A man takes his car to a dealer and says “Can I swap my car?”
The salesman asks why.
He replies because when he goes up the hill to his house it won’t go past 100.
The salesman asks “Why would you want it to go past 100?”
He says “Because I live at 125.”
A witness is asked in court by his defense counsel, “What distance were you from the accident when it happened?
“31.275 metres,” he replies.
“But Mr Higgins,” says the barrister.
“Come, come, now. How can you expect this court to believe you could possibly be as precise as that?”
“Well, I knew some damn fool idiot would ask me – so I measured it!”
Lady to counter assistant in spares department: “I need a new dipstick, please”. Counter assistant: “What’s wrong with your old one?” Lady: “It doesn’t reach the oil any more.”
Manufacturers of in-car satellite navigation systems have responded to requests to modify the manner in which their systems operate.
A typical “Sat Nav” system has a computerised voice that calmly informs the driver which way to turn on the approach to an intersection.
Whilst this might seem ideal, it transpires that such automated perfection does not work in the real world.
Married drivers, in particular, find it difficult to adjust to using the systems.
Veteran driver Bob, from Melbourne, summed up the situation.
“I just can’t get used to being told which turn to take before I actually reach the intersection. My wife usually does the navigation for me and she always tells me to turn just after we’ve passed the turnoff. It’s also a bit unnerving that it doesn’t get increasingly irritated with me as the journey progresses.”
Mindful of such criticisms a new system was unveiled by Ford recently.
Called “SatNag”, this system professes to give a “real world navigation” experience and includes a number of innovative features.
The first thing the driver will notice is that they have a choice of navigation personalities.
These include: “Had an argument last night”, “Hopeless at directions” and “Didn’t want to come out in the car in the first b***** place!”
The driver will also be to select the level of anticipation present in the system.
This will dictate the amount of violent braking required to make a requested manoeuvre and can even be set to miss every other turn.
To round things off, the system can be pre-programmed to “flare up” and refuse to give any further directions.
In the deluxe model the system can actually get sufficiently irritated to storm out of the car and refuse to get back in again despite extended pleading from the driver.
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